Light Bulb Moment

I, like many people who take this journey, have struggled with my weight since puberty. I went from being the big boned primary school kid, to the overweight high school girl, to the fat university student, to the even fatter employee. With each kilo that crept on another slice of my self esteem went out the window.

Over the years I've tried all sorts of 'diets' from shakes to nutritionists to Jenny Craig. You name it, I've probably tried it. Sure I'd lose a few kilos but it was never enough to satisfy the image of perfection I had in my head and before I knew I hadn't just fallen of the wagon, I'd blown the damn thing up.

You see up until literally 4 days ago, i hadn't had my light bulb moment and as a result my attempts to lose weight previously have been futile. Whilst I hated my size, i liked the the element of protection it afforded me. Sounds insane doesn't it? But I didn't ever have to worry about failure because I never tried anything. I have hidden behind my weight for at least the last 15 years if not longer and it has only been very very recently that I have realised that I'm sitting back watching my life go by.

I don't want to be the shy girl in the back corner of the room anymore. I don't want to not do things because I don't feel like I fit in. I want to travel and not worry about how uncomfortable the seats are. I want to go clothes shopping and smile as opposed to cry. I want to LIVE LIFE!

About 6 months ago it finally occurred to me that this fake it til you make it attitude was never going to shift a single kilo from my increasing frame. Bottom line was 6 months ago I wasn't ready, 6 weeks ago, I wasn't ready, hell as little as 6 days ago I wasn't sure I was ready. By trying to force myself to do something I wasn't ready or willing to put the effort into was pure sabotage. I WAS SETTING MYSELF UP TO THE FAIL!!! The one thing I was the most terrified of I was doing to myself..that was a very rude awakening.

As anyone who is overweight can attest you constantly think about doing something about your weight. I've joined weight watchers twice in the last 6 months because I was going to try however my 'I'm going to try' never amounted to anything more than another $100 down the drain and another 5 - 10 minutes wasted on useless thoughts.

So what changed? The short answer is, I did.

In truth it was a process of little things as each thing passed my light bulb flashed.

Firstly, my younger brother who is fit and healthy told me I was beautiful no matter what anyone thought and for the first time in my life I actually believed him. I am beautiful person and I deserve to feel beautiful too! LIGHT BULB MOMENT 1!

Secondly, i got a WII Fit for Christmas. I weighed myself on boxing day with my WII fit and my weight was where I expected it to be at 106kg. A few days later I returned home and decided to play on my WII fit, it told me i had to weigh myself before I could do anything so I reluctantly went ahead and did so only to be greeted with the news that I had put on 1.4kg in about 4 days. I was devastated. After I wiped away the tears and pulled myself together I realised if I don't do something right now I'm going to continue to put weight on. Simple thought process really isn't it? But up until this point it had never occurred to me previously. LIGHT BULB MOMENT 2!

I can't say exactly what changed but the penny finally dropped, I've spent a great deal of my life looking after other people but in doing so I hadn't been looking after me. I got myself up off the couch and went to the pantry, do or die time i thought. Grabbing a garbage bag i threw away every piece of junk food I had in there. As the garbage bag hit the bottom of the rubbish bin the penny finally clicked into place. I promptly returned inside and logged onto weight watchers online (the program I had signed up to two months before but had done nothing with). I came up with ideas for meals and how to stay within my allocated points range. Once that was settled I wrote a list of the food I needed, got in my car and drove to the supermarket.

That was 5 days ago. I officially started my journey on Monday 11th January 2010 and I'm proud to say I finally get it, i finally believe I'm worth it, and most importantly i finally know I CAN DO IT!

I'm up to day 4 and my resolve hasn't faulted once, might not sound like much but four days for me is as good as 4 months for others. I am more determined now than i have ever been before. My thirtieth birthday is in June 2011 and come hell or high water I will be fitter, healthier and more ready than ever to tackle life by then. I'm looking forward to each day and what it's going to throw at me because I've finally gotten past the biggest obstacle in my life...myself.